How to Say "No" (Without Saying "No")

So, how do you say "No" when doing so feels like it could be, say, a career limiting move? Advice abounds, often over-simplifying the stakes by not taking into account the complexities of saying "No" to someone like a boss or by not giving specific enough strategies.

In a recent newsletter article I give some practical ways to say "No" without saying the letters N-O.

Here's your chance to join the conversation: How do you handle situations when everything inside of you wants to say "No", but there are other pressures to say Yes?

Add a comment to this blog entry to share your insights.

Labels: accountability, conflict, denial, executives, influence, leadership, managing up, project sponsors

posted by Andy at 12:03 PM

Comments

Great topic!

Well, we all have different "powers" when it comes to saying "no"...

I, for example, spent most of my life in management (mostly as owner of the business or partial owner), and I really enjoyed saying "no" - I do like to shok people with my honest opinion and my straightforwardness.

However, with that said, I'd be a brave "no-sayer" only when I'd feel right about it. At times, when I had to negotiate with company representatives whose business I really wanted or in other situations where I had no perceived upper ground, in that case I'd bundle up my "no"s.

I'd often say something like "Hmm... I see! So what I'm hearing is..." and I'd repeat what I heard, emphasizing the sticky part (perhaps a part which would have created a win-lose situation - with me getting the "lose" part). Then I'd say something like "I see how that'd benefit you, but let's go over it so I can understand how that'd benefit me..."

Well, that's just one example that I used a lot and it most of the time ended up in great results. If I had said "no" in those instances, because an offer seemed unfair, I would have lost lots of business.

Another one of my favorite ways to say "no," is when people ask me for favor (I love to help people, but too many favors can eat your days away). I'd say "Yes, I'd love to do that - let me get my calendar... how about Friday during lunch time?" ... I "lose" half of my "audience" this way, because they need the favor now.
Of course, I'm a super busy guy, so I can always honestly say that I'm under a tight deadline or I have a coaching call coming up, or I have a presentation coming up later that day or next day... so I never have to lie... but I do not want to hurt some people's feelings, so I go with the "yes, but..."

With all that said, I'm 40 and confi with where I am in life... so I do say "no" quite often. It took me quite some time to say it as bravely as I do it now and I'm happy with it. But, again, it all depends where you are in life, what is your position, and who are you talking to... Often, depending on these factors, "no" is often a good word to avoid...

e.g.
www.egSebastian.com

I just read your recent Horizon Time article. Quite interesting. In looking back at my work days of 45 years, including military service, I could have no doubt benefitted from the suggestions!

Andy, I never remember saying I could not do a job which was given to me. I may have mentioned that my plate was pretty full but that I would do my best to fulfill to my obligations. That attitude served me well.