A Really Bad Way to Approach Conflict (Plus a Free Offer!)

There are many ways to approach a conflict situation. The one I describe in today's newsletter is definitely not recommended! Make sure to check it out.

While you're there, check out the special offer. The first 10 people to respond get a free license to our e-learning offering entitled Beyond the Rock and the Hard Place: How to Deal With Conflict More Effectively.

Get helpful learning. For free. Contact me today.

Labels: Beyond the Rock and the Hard Place, conflict, managing stakeholders

posted by Andy at 4:38 PM  

How the Conflict in the Taxi Ended

In a recent newsletter I related a true story of conflict that happened in a taxi on a cold night in Boston. If you haven’t read the story, click here to read it before continuing (it takes 2 minutes or less).

So, how did I respond when the driver spewed, “No! You said Hampton Inn at the airport!”

I first took a deep breath to keep from lashing out. After all, my family was in the backseat and it was important that I not do anything that puts them in danger. I knew that more than my (now nervous) wife was in the back seat. Three little ones were watching what Dad was going to model.

I looked into the driver's eyes, replied firmly but respectfully, “No, I said Monsignor O’Brien Highway. Take us to the Hampton Inn on Monsignor O’Brien Highway, now.”

He wasn’t happy but he did take the next right turn. We were suddenly in a dark, rough looking neighborhood that I’m sure didn’t do much to settle my wife’s nerves!

I pulled out my cell phone and called our hotel. In a voice loud enough to make sure the driver heard, I asked the front desk approximately how expensive a taxi fare from our origination to the hotel should cost. I repeated the answer out loud, “Did you say $15? Thank you.”

The taxi fare was already over $20, with at least 10 minutes to go.

As if I thought he hadn’t heard me (you never know with this driver!), I calmly but firmly told him, “I will be paying you $15 for this trip.” I didn’t have to speak his language to understand the essence of what was said under his breath.

I didn’t respond.

We were never so happy to see a Hampton Inn. The family poured out of the backseat with a collective sigh.

The driver knew he wouldn’t get his $35 taxi. Much to his surprise, I pulled out a $20 bill and told him to keep the change. A bit stunned, he responded, “I’m sorry for the mistake.”

Not all conflict ends quite this amicably. Enjoy it when it does. Though I don’t naturally use a Competing conflict style often, a controlled version of it worked in this case, followed by a Compromising pay out at the end.

We can help you learn to manage conflict with more confidence. Our Beyond the Rock and the Hard Place can be delivered in a keynote, workshop, or e-learning formats. Click here for more information.

Labels: Beyond the Rock and the Hard Place, conflict, crisis, influence, leadership

posted by Andy at 11:57 AM  

Leadership Lessons from Howard Tullman

Crain's Chicago Business recently posted a short video from Howard Tullman that I recommend you take the time to watch. I appreciate the clarity in which he communicates the essence of what it means to lead. Though his lessons are tuned for entrepreneurs, they can easily apply to anyone who leads, whether a team, a department, or an entire company.

Key lessons to highlight include:

• Mistakes are inevitable. Admit, fix, and forget them. One of the great frustrations as an executive coach is to work with someone that tries to be so perfect that they won't make a mistake. Clearly that's impossible. We regularly work with our kids on this: when you make a mistake, admit it. Fix it. Then get past it. Learn from them, for sure, but you can't obsess over them or you will not lead.
• It's about winning, not being right. In our e-learning workshop "Beyond the Rock and the Hard Place: How to Deal with Conflict More Effectively", we talk about the difference between positions and interests. Too often people get wrapped up into their positions, having to be "right." I like how Tullman states "It's about winning, not being right."
• Tell a simple story: who are we, where are we going, and why. I find many aspiring leaders who are "how" people: they want to cut to the To-Do's and tasks right away, without first figuring out the "what". In our customized leadership workshops we coach leaders to first answer "Where?", "Why?" and "What?". Once leaders answer those questions, then you can get to the "How?", "Who?" and "When?". Click here for more information about how our customized leadership workshops can help your organization develop leaders.
• Keep raising the bar. Keep getting better. Celebrate successes but don't get complacent.
• Don't wait until it's perfect. Start with what you have.
• Look for people who want to build a career, not just a job. Presenteeism (employees who are at the worksite regularly, but for a variety of reasons, are not producing as they should) reportedly accounts for 80% of lost productivity. One of my biggest staffing fears is not those who leave, but those who have left but are still with us.
• Surround yourself with people who are different from you. It took me too many years to figure this one out. Now I cherish the principle, which helps me from driving over a cliff in business.
• Having to fire people comes with the job. It can be done respectfully, but if your desire is to be popular, it will get in your way.
• Part of a leader's job is to be an absorber of uncertainty and anxiety. Things can be ambiguous, but as a leader, we must continue telling the story, keeping people focused on the vision and direction. If we are freaking out when things get tough, it will simply spread the anxiety and be a distraction. In my book Navigating the Winds of Change: Staying on Course in Business & in Life I talk about the concept of keeping your eyes on the horizon when the wind and waves are raging. It's not only good advice for sailors: it works for leaders as well.

I commend Mr. Tullman's video for your viewing pleasure and personal development.

Labels: anxiety, Beyond the Rock and the Hard Place, conflict, crisis, executives, leadership, managing change, mistakes, recommended sites, strategy, teams, uncertainty

posted by Andy at 2:34 PM  

Leadership Musings on the Olympic Opening Ceremony

Our family had some quality time in front of the tube this weekend, watching the 2006 Winter Olympics in Torino, Italy. I always enjoy the creativity of the opening ceremonies, often being somewhere between fascinated and bewildered, depending on the year and the wackiness of the production.

I have to think Italy could have done better than "Freak Out", "Funkytown", and "I Will Survive" during the Parade of Nations. I was expecting more Pavarotti than Bee Gees.

But I digress. Here's a leadership thought to start your week off with….

Think Peaceful Thoughts
Though many may have found the singing of John Lennon's "Imagine" a perfect fit for the Olympics, I had to scratch my head at the ironies. Don't you wonder what Lennon would have thought about having his song highlighted in a commercialized, multi-million dollar, corporate funded event such as the Olympics?

There's more. Consider the irony in the lyrics:

"Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do"

It wasn't just Peter Gabriel's singing that made it hard for me to do. This is an event that is all about countries and celebrating national pride for our champions. Clearly the Olympics are about coming together in peace, if only for a couple weeks. Yet an objective reading of Imagine's lyrics shows it has more to do with a Marxist worldview than what most people would accept as a path to peace.

I've come up empty trying to find the lyrics to the "Peace Poem" read by Yoko Ono. Here's what it sounded like to me: "Think peaceful thoughts… Do you want peace? Think peaceful thoughts. Spread the word. Think peaceful thoughts."

I'm not reliving bitterness here about Yoko breaking up the Beatles. This is a leadership blog after all. So, where's the leadership lesson?

I run into too many managers that think they can resolve conflict using the Peace Poem Technique: "Think peaceful thoughts!"

Can't you hear the lyrics?

Imagine there's no Marketing,
It isn't hard to do.
No HR to warn us.
No bean counters too…

If you have to work with one or more humans, opportunities for conflict abound. And if you think holding hands and singing Kumbaya (or Imagine) is going to make everything better, you are a dreamer. And unfortunately, you're not the only one.

Hope is Rarely A Good Strategy
Dealing with conflict is a messy business that requires skills and intentionality. Being optimistic about favorable outcomes can be helpful and sincerely desiring harmony is fine. Yet hope is rarely a good strategy, and I see way too much hope applied as a wishful salve when it comes to the bloody wounds of conflict.

I respect the rights of those who demand the U.S. leave Iraq right now. I understand and share their desire for the bloodshed to end--I have loved ones over there. Yet I rarely hear responsible alternatives beyond "Give Peace a Chance".

I respect managers who want their teams to get along with other teams. I get that you may not agree with how another group is handling an issue that's causing stress. But wishful thinking doesn't cut it.

I fundamentally believe that learning to deal with conflict in a responsible way is one of the key skills sorely lacking in managers today. We can help you and your organization develop these skills. Give us a call to learn about our workshop "Beyond the Rock and the Hard Place: How to Deal with Conflict More Effectively" and our use of the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument.

Oops, got to go. Kids are excited about watching Shaun "The Flying Tomato" White on the halfpipe. "Imagine there's no gravity, it isn't hard to do…"

Labels: Beyond the Rock and the Hard Place, conflict, culture, Olympics, peace, strategy, TKI, worldview

posted by Andy at 8:38 PM