“If only I could take that moment back…”

The pain of realization hits. Something very bad has happened and it resulted from something you did.

Most of the time it’s not that big of a deal. Life is made up of choices and consequences and most of our choices are surprisingly inconsequential.

But not all.

One can argue our life is the sum of our choices yet some choices have consequences that indelibly make their mark on the rest of our life (and often those around us as well).

Unquestionably many of life’s major consequences are the result of someone else’s choices. Think Katie McCloskey, who worked for Marsh & McClennan as a computer help-desk technician on the 97th floor of the World Trade Center on September 11. Think Jim Mullen, a Chicago cop who was shot and paralyzed while answering the call of duty. Think of the countless people killed by drunk drivers every year.

Actually, I’m not really thinking of them today as they didn’t make choices. This blog entry is focused on those who make the choice and suffer (and likely cause suffering). Those who, if they live, often want to take the moment back and replay it like a video game that just needs to be reset.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way.

“How could this happen to me?”
That’s the haunting refrain from the song “Untitled” by Montreal-based punk-pop group Simple Plan. If you haven’t seen the music video yet, take a seat, click here to visit Simple Plan’s website, and be prepared to be moved (if not by the music, at least by the message).

The question in the refrain is tragically ironic for the answer is painfully obvious. The accident clearly happened because the character in the song was drinking and driving.

A choice. A death. A shattered family. A man left in rain, living the first minutes of a lifetime of regret, as he’s cuffed and taken to the police station.

What does this have to do with leadership? At its core, leadership requires choices. Some more challenging than others. Some more obviously consequential than others.

Leaders must choose wisely.

Most of us don’t face life-and-death decisions daily. Yet a couple recent news stories can be instructive to those who desire to choose wisely.

Silencing the Alarm
Ever had a car alarm howling outside your window? It stops for a while but then starts up again? And again? Hours later the car alarm equivalent of the Chinese water torture continues.

Even the saints among us can get annoyed.

On the evening of August 9, 48 year old David Owen Rye of Simi Valley, California was more than annoyed. He was ready to do something about it.

Put in ear plugs? Turn up the TV? Call the police?

Nope. He pulled out a handgun and plugged three bullets into the Toyota Camry.

Sure enough, the alarm was silenced. End of story?

Not quite. It was just the start for Mr. Rye, the manager (or is it former manager?) of a Ralph’s grocery store. Within hours he was hauled away in handcuffs for reckless discharge of a firearm and felony vandalism.

Disregarding an Order
Four-star Army General Kevin Byrnes had a distinguished military career. This Vietnam veteran ranked third in seniority among the Army's 11 four-star generals. General Byrnes was in charge of the Army’s Training and Doctrine Command, which is responsible for teaching soldiers combat skills and Army values, including personal ethics.

Imagine yourself three months from retirement. Time to put the finishing touches on a great career, right?

Wrong. Turns out General Byrnes was having an affair while his divorce was being finalized. Though that’s rather tame for a soap opera, it’s decidedly not the Army way. He blatantly disobeyed an order from his superior to break off contact with the woman.

He's been relieved of duty.

Keep in mind: It’s not like he was told to never speak with her ever again. He didn’t even have to wait three months—his divorce was finalized just earlier this month.

Yet this disciplined soldier who honorably served his country couldn’t control himself in the moment of decision. It really doesn’t matter if he thought he was above the law, could get away with it in secret, or just lost himself in a moment of weakness. The fact remains he made a choice with a consequence that will overshadow his entire career.

Lessons for Leaders
1. We’re going to make mistakes. If we have any responsibility of note, we will make bad choices along the way. In fact, living a life obsessed with avoiding mistakes is a life of missed opportunity. Leaders live in ambiguity, where there are more shades of grey than black-and-white. Get used to it.

2. It’s better to shoot yourself in the foot than the head. Leaders can’t take “We’re going to make mistakes” as license to toss caution to the proverbial wind.

Word to the wise: If you’re taking a step that’s outside your typical course of action, pause long enough to ask, “What will the consequences be? Am I really willing to accept those consequences?”

• "Hey, what are a couple drinks? I’ll be OK driving."


• "Ah! Finally, the (blankety-blank) alarm is finally done for good!"


• "It can’t be wrong if it feels this good."

Moments of pleasure, a lifetime of pain.

Stopping to ask these simple questions is an act of leadership, one that is challenging at best when intoxicated by anger, passion, or any other overwhelming emotion or substance.

Yet the leader knows that short term satisfaction could lead to long term pain.

3. Each day you’re carving another chapter into the tablets of your life story. I say carving and tablets because there’s no “white-out” in the story of our lives.

I’ve had a grown man cry like a baby in front of me as he told of the shame and pain caused to his family and career because of an affair. I know parents who desperately wish they could take back words and actions expressed in rage to their children.

Are you living the story you want told some day?

A bright, young business consultant and writer recently died suddenly and unexpectedly. The newsletter announcing the sad news summarized some key things about him, even noting what was talked about in his final customer call.

When the story of your passing is told, will it be about your last customer call?

Stephen Covey challenges us with: “What would you like to have written on your tombstone? Think deeply about what you would like to have your loved ones, friends, and working associates say at your funeral.”

One of my favorite parts about life: though not guaranteed tomorrow, we have right now. If you’re not satisfied with the story you’ve carved thus far, there are choices you can make starting right now.

4. We lead by example. Make no mistake: people are watching our choices. Our kids learn more by what we do than what we say. Same goes for the people we are responsible for at work.

The lawyer for General Byrnes thinks the "punishment is too harsh." Yet retired brigadier general James Swanson told USA Today that the military expects "generals to lead by example…. If you are unable to do that, I don't see where your bosses have any choice" [but to impose punishment].

Our choices do not go unnoticed.

5. Hindsight is 20-20. Bad choices are not always clear up front. They’re painfully obvious afterwards. Advice: make it a habit to learn from mistakes.

It’s the landmines I continue to step on that hurt the most. Learn from the past and work to move on.

6. Learn the power of forgiveness. For those choices that were clear but you decided to go ahead anyway, there’s power in seeking forgiveness.

Of course you can only do your part. Humanly speaking, there’s no guarantee forgiveness will be extended. Spiritually speaking, it’s a gift available for the asking.

One of the most powerful, life-changing forces is the gift of forgiveness—powerful enough to cover a multitude of bad choices.

May we both choose wisely today, leader. Happy carving.

Live from a hotel room in Seattle,

Andy

posted by Andy at 11:18 PM